Who is Gatsby? Why does he wear that mask? Just how much does he suck at fencing?
Let’s start at the beginning. Gatsby is an Australian who has taken his name from one of the Great American literary classics – The Great Gatsby. We don’t blame him, America is streets ahead of Australia in every way. It’s no wonder he would want to align himself with some “Great” American man. The problem is, Gatsby is tainting and defiling this terrific American novel by effectively stealing the name. In fact, we are pretty sure he is violating some copyright issues, The Daily Cornet is looking into it.
There was no chemical accident or tragic story behind the need for Gatsby to wear a mask. He wasn’t a costumed menace tearing around the city, either. No, those things would make sense. For Gatsby, it’s just because he’s really incredibly ugly. One acquaintance, who shall remain nameless – under a blanket – reported to the Cornet that he once saw Gatsby’s face:
“It was one of the worst days of my life. I still have nightmares about it. The putrid puss-filled open wounds and the…oh god…”
The acquaintance was unable to comment further as he burst into tears.
The mask serves another purpose though. Not only does it hide his crater ridden face from the public’s eyes, it has unfortunately allowed him to rape as many Asian-Australians as he can find. So far, one victim of Gatsby’s has come forward.
“Look, normally I wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. But I felt like I had to come forward, for everyone who hasn’t. I am here to say, Gatsby is horrible at raping,” said Viv.
“Like, he had that rapier that he carries around with him right? So at first I was scared, this guy is gonna shank me. But he fumbled, dropped the sword and then all I heard from under the mask was a loud “HUHURRRFFFGHUHFRFFF”. His body started shaking and then I think I heard him start to cry as he ran away.”
Horrific to say the least. The Daily Cornet is dedicated in its pursuit to bring Gatsby in.
Dead or alive.
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